Heaven Knows

My dearest...

I've been pretending to be happy for the past few months. It may seem short but it feels like forever to me. You may see me as being happy but inside I was feeling miserable ever since you told me that you love someone else. I became sick. Maybe you noticed that. I was stupid dear. I tried hard to forget you but I couldn’t. Try as I may, I still think of you all the time.

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up,
Till I close my eyes.
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know.
And though she's so far away,
It just keeps getting stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on
So tell me, where do I start
'Coz it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go…

The song keeps playing on my mind. But I have come to realize that I don’t deserve you. Should have look in the mirror before I love you. Now all I can do is just watch you from afar, hoping that you won’t notice me. I’ll just love you the only way I can, without you knowing it.

Acceptance

Missing you badly dear...
You're on my mind when I go to sleep,
when I wake up in the middle of the night,
and when I wake up in the morning.
You are even in my dreams.

I have been trying to forget you but can't.
All I can do now is just to accept it.
Loving you though you may not know it.
Loving you from a distance.

Aaargh.....

Was looking through my past blog when I just realize that I forgot to remove her name. Now I really cant tell anyone about this blog. Guess I must have been too sick that day to notice. Sick for one week already. Feeling better now so I can continue blogging.

I still miss her!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh................
All I can do i just shout in the vastness of cyberspace.

I have nobody to talk too... Not my family, not my friends. Nobody knows how I feel.
Sounds really pathetic. And I hate myself for that.

Dont know why I love her. Maybe its because she loves me first. I dont even know if she loved me. All I know is I believe her when she
told me that. I was afraid to love her. I hesitated when she ask me if I loved her. Never had the confidence to tell anyone my feelings before. And she got it out of me. And when I told her that I love her, she told me she loves another.:(

I still cant believe it. Why do I still love her? It has been more than a month now. I still think of her every hour. I see her faces everywhere. Everything reminded me of her. Sometimes I just wish that I can forget her. I still care for her.

When she was sick, I can't be there for her. All I can do is prayed that I shared her sickness. And when she asked why I was always sick, I can't tell her the reason is that I prayed to lighten her burden. So I don't mind to be sick. I wish so hard that she'll love me.... But I could't tell her that.

Reminds me of a song by Take That:

All I do each night is pray,
Hoping that I'll be a part of you again someday.
All I do each night is think
Of the times I closed the door to keep my love within.

It is what have been doing........

Thank you dear

Finally there's an email from her. Though short, it made my day. Here I'm going to post the email I wrote to her.

My dear Alice,

Thanks for emailing me dear. Do you know that this is the first time that you emailed me?
Dunno where to start. I'm just glad to hear from you. I thought you don't want to talk to me anymore. Cos of what I did that day. That's why I apologize. You know that I am xiao qi right? Well I'm a sensitive person too.

Anyway you made my day dear. Thank you very much.

Take care dear...


Actually I had a lot more to say but this is all that I can say without telling her that I love her. She asked me to look for her if I need someone to talk to... but it seems impossible. She loves another. :(

What do you do when the only person that can stop you from crying is the one who made you cry?

What is the answer??? I don't know...

Loving an Angel

My dear,

You are liked by many. People look up to you. You made everyone happy. I only wish that you are a normal girl so that I can love you all by myself. Sorry to sound selfish but that is all that I want. Right now I can only steal glances at you. We are from different backgrounds. I the earth, you the sky.

Why you could easily made my heart flutters? The way you say my name, the way you look at me, the absence of you messages... All made me miss you more. And I don't even dare to tell you how you made me feel.

Really hate myself very much cos I don't have the courage to do anything...

Please help me God...

I love her!!!

I tried to keep my heart as cold as stone. But When I saw you just now, my heart melts just like the ice in the spring. You look so beautiful dear, without your makeup. I don't know why you keep asking whether you are beautiful... To me, what matters the most is how your heart looks like, not your physical appearance.

But now it is too late to tell you all this. You are with someone else. He is the luckiest person in the whole world. How I wish I am him. But I am not. I don't know how to treat a girl. I don't even deserve you. So all I can do now is just watch you from afar.

Sometimes I wish that you could read my mind dear. Cause I really don't know how to express myself. All I know is I love you from the bottom of my heart and I wish that you know that.

Now all I can do is just blog here. For there is nobody I can talk to...

I love you dear...

Happy New Year!

Another day passed and I still think of you dear. I miss you so much... You didn't reply my sms. Maybe you are busy but I wish you would just tell me how are you doing. I feel happy when I heard your voice last night dear... but I dont know if you are angry with me. I know you are disappointed and I'm very sorry. Thats who I am dear. Now you know why I cant mix around with people. I am a very bad person. Thats why I try to be good all the time. When I'm angry I will be like Hyde in the story Jekyll and Hyde.

That is also why I don't dare to call you dear. So all I can do is just blog here and pretend that you are reading this. I love you dear. I really do. I try really hard to forget you but i can't. That is the reason why I don't want to go out. There's one quote that says,

The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else.
Love you....