How to forget.

I takes forever for you to reply my msg. It seems like you went out for a drink with frens.... By the time you reach home it was almost midnite. And you were tired.... Do you know that I miss you??

I just dont know... I was wondering if you have forgotten him. It was his birthday yesterday. I cant bring myself to ask you. I am afraid of the answer. I dont know what should I do. Why do I care about you so much????

Do you know what will happen if you keep on seeing him? But I cant tell you this my dear. Cos I dont think I'm good enough for you. But I also know that you will be hurt again and again if you are with him. Maybe some day you will find someone who is good enough for you.

Maybe only then I can finally let you go.....

I'm Still Missing You

Don't know how many time have I checked my phone today, hoping for a message that will never come. Why do I miss her so much I don't really know. She hasn't texted me for quite some time, but I still keep on checking my phone. Wishing that she still have me on her mind.

Why am I fooling myself???

She cried and I cried with her. And when she is happy, I cried even more. Because she is happy with the other guy. It HURTS.................:(

I wish I was that guy.

Right now I just wish that I could forget her...
Forget that she ever loved me...
Forget everything...
So i wouldn't hurt anymore.

Hurt, hurts and still hurting....

I still miss you dear. I dont think that I'll ever forget you. It just hurts so much when I see you with him. I wish with all my heart that it is me that is with you and not him. But all I can do is trying not to see you two together.

You said that you are hurt when you saw him with other girls. Well my dear, I'm hurt a hundred times more. Well why you may ask... At least he said he loves you, while for me ...
You once loved me. That's why I love you. And I always will my dear... Forever!

I've cried night after night. Hoping that the pain will go away. But my wishes are all in vain. I'm still hurt when i see both of you together.It is becoming unbearable... I don't know what to do. All I know is I dont want to be hurt anymore.

The only way I know is not seeing you ever again. It may hurt but at least it will not hurt as much as seeing you with the other guy. Then i can pretend that you still love me like once you did.

Lonely...

I never knew what loneliness is until I met her. That is after she ignored me for another guy. I felt really useless. Don't think i can take it anymore. The feeling is unbearable for me. When she had a fight with her guy, she would come to me. And when they are back together again, I'm ignored.

Tears are forming in my eyes as I blogged this and a lump is forming in my throat. :(

Why God??? WHY???

I wish I don't have to feel this way. It is really unbearable. I ask God to take my life away so that I don't have to feel like this. Somehow I'm still here.

What did I do to deserve this? Please help me...

Heartbreak!

Never knew that love could hurt so much. I really wish that I'm not hurt but I am. Wish I could be happy for them but... Seeing both of them together.... It just shatters my heart. I don't know how else to express it. All I can do is cry. I know man shouldn't cry but I just can't help it. The tears just form in the eyes. And my breathing, I had forgotten how it was to cry.

I don't know what should I do. Am I bad? For wanting them to break up? GOD!!! Please help me.... Tell me what should I do?
Tell me!!!!!
Tell me...
Tell me..
Tell me.

Don't want to be hurt anymore...

The Day That She Loves Me Will Be The Day That I Die

I'm slowly getting over her. I still miss her. She is still the first thing that pops into my mind everytime I wake up. But I don't feel as depressed as before.

Maybe I'm getting used to it. At least now I can be happy without her affecting everything that I do. When she stopped texting me, I was really depressed. Life is without joy. Dont feel like I could ever smile. It is a good thing that I have my family. Though they didn't know what was happening, I gained strength from them.
If not then I really think I would have committed suicide.

Actually nobody knows that I loved her. Is that really love? I don't know...
Only recently I told a fren about it. It really helps when you share your problems

with others. But I never share my feelings with anyone. This is my first time.

Now only this blog is the place for me to express my feelings. My only hope is that
nobody I know reads this.

Is this a Threat??

After the meeting last nite:

Hers: I miss you dear. Good nite n sweet dreams. *hugs*

Then I replied that I miss her too.


***7108 01:32:38 29-05-2008
Don be too happy.. Its fake.. She miss u? She's just using you..

My reply: Thanks. Good nite.

***7108 01:36:49 29-05-2008
Thanks? Ur willing to be used by her? How long do you wan to be used by her?


***7108 01:32:38 29-05-2008
Guess u'll be telling her that I texted u.. Thanks anyways..

At this point I tried to call her. But she didn't answer. Then came this sms.

***7108 01:50:31 29-05-2008
If u tell her anythin I won't let go of u..
Are you threatening me now my friend? But I still ignored him. Then came this sms.


***7108 01:54:17 29-05-2008
I just need a little respect from you.. U know that she's still my gf so pls don try to do anything.. I just need a little respect from u.. I'm begging u.. Pls..

Well... She suffered a lot when she is with you. How do I know she is still your gf? She told me you two broke up already. You are dreaming my friend. And maybe so am I.

If only you ask this nicely the first time, I would have ignored your sms. But now I felt like I need to tell her. You have been checking her sms?

What is Love?

Looking at the title would make people think that.... Boring.... Another definition of love. Well, I wont define it cos I really don't know. If it makes me how I feel right now, I'd prefer not to love at all. This past week have been like meaningless to me. It felt like I have lost my will to live. Nothing matters anymore. Food becomes tasteless. it is like there is no more joy in my life. All I keep thinking about is her, her and always her.

It happened suddenly this morning. I was driving to work when I heard the song "You Sang To Me" by Marc Anthony. It brought tears to my eyes. Guess that I miss her so much. I wish i never loved her. But I still do. I just don't know what to do.

Felt like wanna die, but i don't think my death matters to her. I really don't know what to do. I only hope that I can get out of this bottomless pit of despair soon.

I miss you like crazy

It has been a few days since she stops texting me. And when i ask her, she said she need time to be alone. What does it means?

Does anyone knows?????
Does she:
-has problems that she didn't want to tell me?
-really need to be alone?
-hate me?


I miss her so much. And when she said that she needed to be alone, I do what she asked of me. I don't know what else to do. I just wish that she could tell me her problem.

I really miss her. I told her and she never reply.
Oh God how I wish that she'll love me.
Can't think of anything else but her...
I miss her.
I miss her a lot..
I miss her too much...

Someone help me please...

Lonely Valentine...

Keep thinking of you my dear... It is Valentine's Day and I wish that you were with me. Do you know how much I miss you? When you told me that you broke off with him I thought I would be happy. But I didn't. Cos you were sad. I don't want you to be sad dear. You told me how much you love him. I was glad that i was chatting with you using msn. If not you would already see my watery eyes.

Last night when I saw you giving your speech, you spoke with sadness. I can feel it and almost brought tears to my eyes. You wanted true love from him. And here I am loving you with all my heart. My love is like the old man in your story dear... I just couldn't tell you that. Dunno why.

I saw him get close to you, and you gave in to the person you love.

And now here I am wondering what you are doing now... Are you with him, enjoying yourself....

I love you dear.... And now I dun care if you don't love me...
I just want to be with you.... With all my heart and all my soul...

Heaven Knows

My dearest...

I've been pretending to be happy for the past few months. It may seem short but it feels like forever to me. You may see me as being happy but inside I was feeling miserable ever since you told me that you love someone else. I became sick. Maybe you noticed that. I was stupid dear. I tried hard to forget you but I couldn’t. Try as I may, I still think of you all the time.

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up,
Till I close my eyes.
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know.
And though she's so far away,
It just keeps getting stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on
So tell me, where do I start
'Coz it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go…

The song keeps playing on my mind. But I have come to realize that I don’t deserve you. Should have look in the mirror before I love you. Now all I can do is just watch you from afar, hoping that you won’t notice me. I’ll just love you the only way I can, without you knowing it.

Acceptance

Missing you badly dear...
You're on my mind when I go to sleep,
when I wake up in the middle of the night,
and when I wake up in the morning.
You are even in my dreams.

I have been trying to forget you but can't.
All I can do now is just to accept it.
Loving you though you may not know it.
Loving you from a distance.

Aaargh.....

Was looking through my past blog when I just realize that I forgot to remove her name. Now I really cant tell anyone about this blog. Guess I must have been too sick that day to notice. Sick for one week already. Feeling better now so I can continue blogging.

I still miss her!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh................
All I can do i just shout in the vastness of cyberspace.

I have nobody to talk too... Not my family, not my friends. Nobody knows how I feel.
Sounds really pathetic. And I hate myself for that.

Dont know why I love her. Maybe its because she loves me first. I dont even know if she loved me. All I know is I believe her when she
told me that. I was afraid to love her. I hesitated when she ask me if I loved her. Never had the confidence to tell anyone my feelings before. And she got it out of me. And when I told her that I love her, she told me she loves another.:(

I still cant believe it. Why do I still love her? It has been more than a month now. I still think of her every hour. I see her faces everywhere. Everything reminded me of her. Sometimes I just wish that I can forget her. I still care for her.

When she was sick, I can't be there for her. All I can do is prayed that I shared her sickness. And when she asked why I was always sick, I can't tell her the reason is that I prayed to lighten her burden. So I don't mind to be sick. I wish so hard that she'll love me.... But I could't tell her that.

Reminds me of a song by Take That:

All I do each night is pray,
Hoping that I'll be a part of you again someday.
All I do each night is think
Of the times I closed the door to keep my love within.

It is what have been doing........

Thank you dear

Finally there's an email from her. Though short, it made my day. Here I'm going to post the email I wrote to her.

My dear Alice,

Thanks for emailing me dear. Do you know that this is the first time that you emailed me?
Dunno where to start. I'm just glad to hear from you. I thought you don't want to talk to me anymore. Cos of what I did that day. That's why I apologize. You know that I am xiao qi right? Well I'm a sensitive person too.

Anyway you made my day dear. Thank you very much.

Take care dear...


Actually I had a lot more to say but this is all that I can say without telling her that I love her. She asked me to look for her if I need someone to talk to... but it seems impossible. She loves another. :(

What do you do when the only person that can stop you from crying is the one who made you cry?

What is the answer??? I don't know...

Loving an Angel

My dear,

You are liked by many. People look up to you. You made everyone happy. I only wish that you are a normal girl so that I can love you all by myself. Sorry to sound selfish but that is all that I want. Right now I can only steal glances at you. We are from different backgrounds. I the earth, you the sky.

Why you could easily made my heart flutters? The way you say my name, the way you look at me, the absence of you messages... All made me miss you more. And I don't even dare to tell you how you made me feel.

Really hate myself very much cos I don't have the courage to do anything...

Please help me God...

I love her!!!

I tried to keep my heart as cold as stone. But When I saw you just now, my heart melts just like the ice in the spring. You look so beautiful dear, without your makeup. I don't know why you keep asking whether you are beautiful... To me, what matters the most is how your heart looks like, not your physical appearance.

But now it is too late to tell you all this. You are with someone else. He is the luckiest person in the whole world. How I wish I am him. But I am not. I don't know how to treat a girl. I don't even deserve you. So all I can do now is just watch you from afar.

Sometimes I wish that you could read my mind dear. Cause I really don't know how to express myself. All I know is I love you from the bottom of my heart and I wish that you know that.

Now all I can do is just blog here. For there is nobody I can talk to...

I love you dear...

Happy New Year!

Another day passed and I still think of you dear. I miss you so much... You didn't reply my sms. Maybe you are busy but I wish you would just tell me how are you doing. I feel happy when I heard your voice last night dear... but I dont know if you are angry with me. I know you are disappointed and I'm very sorry. Thats who I am dear. Now you know why I cant mix around with people. I am a very bad person. Thats why I try to be good all the time. When I'm angry I will be like Hyde in the story Jekyll and Hyde.

That is also why I don't dare to call you dear. So all I can do is just blog here and pretend that you are reading this. I love you dear. I really do. I try really hard to forget you but i can't. That is the reason why I don't want to go out. There's one quote that says,

The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else.
Love you....